Jungle Jack

I just don't think Jack Hanna could be nearly as dumb as he appears to be.

First of all, I am actually a fan of Jungle Jack. I love it when he's on Letterman, and I usually perk up when his show comes on TV on Sunday mornings. He seems like a good guy, and he's entertaining, and he seems to be interested in doing good things. But he comes off as an idiot. He doesn't even seem to know anything about animals.

And yet, he is the director of a major metropolitan zoo. How on earth did he manage to get that job? Surely, if he were stupid, he wouldn't be able to get through the interview. It's not like he has a Master of Zoological Institutional Management from Harvard, either. According to his website, he has a Bachelor of Arts from some unknown college in Ohio (Muskingum College in New Concord).

According to his bio on jackhanna.com, he ran a pet store, and then a small zoo in Florida for a while, then did something else for some time (he never really says exactly what). Then, "In 1978, I decided I missed working with animals and I answered an ad for a zoo director in Columbus, Ohio."

Huh? They just put an ad in the paper, and he responded and became the director of the zoo? How unlikely does that sound? Could I have applied for that job too? I might have had a better chance!

They advertise for a director with a want ad? Surely that's a "good ole boy" job, not a "let's see if we can find a warm body to fill this one" job! And, unless Jack's "I'm just a goofball" persona was somehow not in evidence during that interview, then surely he could not have come across as the best candidate.

It just all seems so unlikely. He must have had some kind of "in". Maybe a past association with one of the board members. Maybe pictures of a board member.

Have you ever seen him on Letterman? Ever notice how he has a whole slew of handlers with him doing the actual work with the animals? They hand them, one-by-one to Jack, who attempts to explain one or two facts about the creature to Dave. Dave doesn't care at all to hear the pre-rehearsed information, and does his best to fluster Jack by asking him simple questions that he hasn't anticipated. Jack usually says something like "I don't know, but..." and tries to get back to the script. Eventually he'll become flabbergasted and resort to asking one of the handlers to answer the question. He never seems to display any actual animal expertise. Finally, a handler swoops in to rescue the animal from Jack before a different expert hands him a new creature.

I was watching his "Into the Wild" show the other day. He was in Crystal River, Florida, swimming with the manatees. First of all, while snorkeling, he swam right into the boat, bonking his head, and requiring his companions to haul his dazed butt out of the water. Then, the next day, he and his wife Suzi were swimmming at Homosassa Springs, ostensibly to "do measurements" on the manatees. He seems totally uncomfortable when the manatees are swimming around him - almost frightened! It's hilarious. He measures one with a tape measure, and declares "It says 3-M. 3-M. What's that mean?" His wife explains, "Well, 3 meters is about 9 feet." Jack is amazed, and asks "How did you know all that?" Suzi says something like, "Because I know how to do simple math."

So you might be led to believe that he's an idiot. But if he really were an idiot, and if he had control over the content of the show (which he must), then surely he would choose to edit out the sequences that expose his stupidity to the world, right? But he didn't - he specifically included them. Which proves to me that he merely wants us to think he's an idiot.

These are some of the bits of evidence that lead me to believe that Jack Hanna isn't nearly as dumb as he appears.

• He was selected to direct a major metropolitan zoo.
• His wife and daughter appear to be of above average intelligence.
• He has a weekly television show, which he manages to produce in a reasonably entertaining manner.
• He has survived several appearances on Letterman, and continues to be invited back time after time.
• He has (or at least claims to have) transformed the Columbus Zoo into the state-of-the-art institution that it is today.
• If he truly were an idiot, either he or his puppet masters would do something to cover it up.

Therefore, I conclude that Jack Hanna is in actuality, a super-genius who is a master at presenting himself as a clumsy, inept, slow but likeable goofball. He probably does this to prevent us from discovering his true nature as a ruthless manipulator.

I imagine that his employees tremble at his approach. His vendors provide special pricing to their detriment in order to avoid his wrath. Through his power and influence, he has destroyed many hapless Columbus businesses who failed to submit to his capricious demands. The animals probably cower as he stalks the grounds of the zoo, railing against incompetency and the sloth and stupidity of his staff and deriding all of the zoo visitors. He's one step away from the banker Potter from "It's a Wonderful Life."

Beware Jack Hanna, folks. He's more dangerous than any wild gator!